Just the day before I said to my client, “well, I’m broken, and I can’t be 
fixed. Somehow God will just have to use me broken.”
But this day a woman I barely knew sat across the table in my leaders huddle. She spoke, hesitant of sharing such an intimate story with a group of strangers. Her parents had both died in an accident when she was young. Life had been hard. But now, so many years later she heard God saying to her, “I want to make you whole again.”
In my heart I whispered, “I’ll never be whole. I’ll always live broken.” Leisha’s death left me broken- heart is too ripped, too many pieces have been lost. Some Doctors say I can’t be healed. I can’t be fixed.
But the rest of the day those words rumbled around in my brain.
I’m broken.
But does God want to make me whole too?
Is it possible that God could completely heal my broken heart?
Do I want him too?
Sometimes it seems like that is all I have left of Leisha.
But would she want me to stay broken?
And then came the next challenge!
If you come to Him for healing of your broken heart, why do we not trust him to heal our broken bodies?
And does being whole mean you have to have your bodies, mind, heart & soul as if nothing had ever happened whole? I know people who appear whole who have a whole lot of ‘holes’ in their story.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! – Matthew 7:7-12
Hmmm? I do believe God loves me. I don’t believe for one second that his love keeps me from experiencing bad things. But I KNOW that He will never leave me. Because of that – he may have protected me in more ways than i know. I believe that!
It occurred to me that I have asked God for healing-
that I could leave the grief tunnel and return to the land of the living.
I was reminded of a message I written of Lazarus rising from the dead- and I began to feel life once again coursing through my veins- literally.
Once after I was diagnosed with Addison’s disease,
once in our family,
and now once feeling life again.
But I was struck that I had never asked for God to HEAL me! Never once did I consider that He wanted to make me whole. I asked myself if I thought God was big enough to heal me- God enough to heal me. Yes of course!
But I began to recognize that in some things I felt like I deserved to be broken. I hadn’t taken care of myself. I hadn’t taken Sabbath rest. I hadn’t said no enough times.
I remembered the verse in Psalm 51 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; – Psalm 51:17
This was my sacrifice! right? This was how I would reflect the life of Jesus- through my brokenness.
So many messages I heard talk about how God uses our brokenness and takes our broken pieces and creates a beautiful mosaic, or stained glass, or tapestry. One that reveals honestly and truthfully the ups and downs of life. The beauty of God at work through all of it. I get that!
But who is really attracted to broken things.
I usually choose the other cup in the cabinet- not the broken one that I can’t throw away, but don’t use.
I keep the chipped soup mug for myself so my guest can have the whole one.
I turn the crack in the vase to the back and fill it with flowers so no one sees it/ so I can’t see.
Why would I think that God would want me to stay broken.
Humbled, contrite, yes!
Broken of body, mind, heart & soul- NO.
The Pastor and my husband placed their hands on me and begin to pray!
Prayer for my thoughts was first! How I think about myself, about my pain, about my story and my ministry. My thoughts are breaking me- more than I realized. O God, help me have right thoughts about you!
Prayer for my emotions were next! I need hope- fresh hope! I don’t have to rely on the hope that helped me survive after Leisha died. It was precious. But it is now stale, not the hope I need for this next place in the journey. Fresh Hope! Yes!
Prayer for the authority I have because God has chosen me. I never considered that authority. I thought I needed a title. I thought I needed a position. But I have all that as God’s chosen one! You do too!
Prayer for my voice! That I would use it! That it would be strong and clear! That I would speak the message God has given me with boldness- and authority.
Prayer for my body! All these years since I was diagnosed with Addison’s disease, I never once prayed that I would be healed of it. “Just take the meds,” the doctor said. ” It will be for the rest of your life”. Ok! I will! I can live with that!
But …what if God wants to make me whole. What if he wants to heal ALL of me? What would that look like?
Am I keeping that from happening because I’ve settled in the broken place?
Has it become the thing I hide behind?
Is it the comfort zone now?
Oh Lord, I do believe you can heal me! You can take my brokenness and you can make something beautiful out of it.
Yes, it may be a stained glass window- but it will be a whole window.
It may be a tapestry- a quilt of many parts of a story- but it will be a whole quilt.
It may be a new theme in the music of my life- but a beautiful whole song.
A complete telling of your work in my life.
A finished design!
Whole!
What’s your journey to whole? Appreciate your comments below. Let’s talk about this!