Category Archives: Intimacy

Fresh start, Intimacy, LIFE, LOVE, Relationship Issues

For you- we prayed!

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I was surprised how emotional the moment was for me!
I wish I had taken a picture, but I will not forget the image in my mind.

There we were- 9 women, heads bowed, hearts lifted in prayer as we came together into the presence of the ONE who invited us to Come to Him in the first place.
We are not praying for ourselves, though our words ring true for our own hearts.
We are praying for work to begin exponentially in the hearts of women we love, or don’t even know.
Women who live in our worlds and in our communities.
We are praying for women who have been hurt and abused,
who are confused,
who are curious,
who are loved, or don’t feel loved,
who long to be really known and deeply cherished.

It is for US- all of us as women- that we prayed.
It is for truth- God’s truth- about intimacy to be known and shared with all women.
It is for authentic intimacy- in our relationship with God, and with our loved ones that we prayed.

We prayed-
For you!

Maybe you didn’t know it was happening-
or see it happening
But you will feel it!
You will begin to notice God at work in you!
Because we are not done praying!
We are only getting started!
Just us – won’t you?

Leave us a comment below- let for us know how we can pray for you today?

Intimacy, LOVE, Marriage Vision

Pulling Back the Shades

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I have had the distinct honor of being part of the launch team for a new book coming out this weekend, March 1st.  So it is with great pleasure that I invite you to …

 Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh & Dr Juli Slattery

PBTS cover

“You don’t have to choose between being sexual or being spiritual. They were never meant to be exclusive.  Now, with solid biblical teaching and transparent stories, Dannah & Juli offer an unflinching look a the most personal questions women ask. Whether you are single or married, reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Jane Austen, Pulling Back the Shades will address your desire to be both sexual and spiritual.

Linda Dillow, best selling author of What’s it like to Be Married to Me?  and Passion Pursuit (co-authored by Dr Slattery) says “Pulling Back the Shades will take you to new places in spiritual and sexual freedom.”

Dr Juli Slattery & Linda Dillow will be bringing Authentic Intimacy to NW Ohio this fall. Be watching for more details.

Take a couple of hours to read this book.  Leave a comment below.   I’d love to hear what God says to you as you process this material.

Intimacy, Mature Love, Relationship History, Relationship Issues

Sixty years

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Ren and I are on our way back to Ohio after spending the past week in Texas with our parents.  We enjoy having time with them alone.  We get to catch up more when there isn’t a house full of other siblings and grandkids.  Don’t get me wrong, we love those times – but it’s been good to just have our parents to ourselves a bit.

We stayed with my folks and listened as they processed some next steps in their life.  Their dear friend, Ada, passed away around Thanksgiving and they miss her dearly.  So much of their time has been focused on loving her well.  They have also been very sick since just before Christmas and were just beginning to get their feet back under them when we show up.   I am grateful to report that they looked much better when we left then when we came.

We were also able to spend time with Ren’s parents.  They have moved into a brand new assisted living facility and seem to be settling in well.  They, too, were battling colds, but considering  the journey they have had over the past year with Ren’s dad’s health, we were thrilled at how well they were getting along.  In fact we celebrated Dad’s 80th birthday!

We showed both of our parents all the wedding pictures we could find from each daughter’s wedding.  My parents were able to attend both.  Ren’s parents were only able to view Caitlin’s via Skype (thanks to a dear friend and a special niece).  The internet didn’t work as well for Brielle’s wedding, (rainy weather messed with us) but they did get to see Brie & Jason and talk to most of the family.  It was fun sharing the stories of and remembering for them the specialness of both days.

I have often been grateful for the heritage of long marriages that our parents have given to us.  But I marveled in a new way at the blessing of it again as I watched these two couples interact with their marriage partners after all these years.  Both couples married in October. My parents were married 57 years ago, October 14th, and Rennie’s parents just celebrated 60 years on October 2nd.

Neither couple could anticipate how life would treat them when they said “I DO” so long ago.  They didn’t understand all the nuances of  “for better, for worse’; for richer, for poorer;  in sickness and in health”.  Yet they have faced it all.  But central to all of it was a commitment to one another that stands the test of time.

One of the young aides at the home Ren’s parents live at told them, “I love that you two still love each other after all these years.”

An older couple holding handsI do too!   I love that they love each other.  It hasn’t been easy.  They haven’t always ‘liked’ it.  But they kept on loving  each other no matter what.

Ren and I will celebrate 35 years this June!  These two couples stood by us at our wedding and celebrated ‘what God hath joined together.”  They have stood by us so many times since as we experienced what life threw at us.  They continued to point us to the Lord and to each other through it all.

When Ren & I took a break for lunch on our long way back to our own Ohio home, I pondered what the future could bring for us!   I slid my hand in his as we walked, and thanked the Lord that we have weathered the  last 35 years.   We can’t always plan out the circumstances of each year, but we have committed to do it together.

Wouldn’t you love to love each other at your 60th wedding anniversary?  Me too!

What changes do you need to make to be sure that is true of you?

What attitude adjustments need to take place?

Who do you need to bring alongside you to help you accomplish this?

Ren & I certainly don’t have it all together- but we’re still learning.  And we’re working hard to stick together no matter what!  How about you?

Sixty years- Here we come!

Intimacy, Marriage Vision, Relationship Issues

Hope Springs!

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Friday night, Ren and I went on a date!  Actually it was more like a double date with 4 other couples.  We had a great time!  We started the evening by going to the movie HOPE SPRINGS, staring Tommy Lee Jones & Meryl Streep!  I was so curious about it.  I mean the title is about HOPE and the topic is about marriage and that’s what Green HOPE Coaching is about too.  I was terribly curious what they might do with it.  Apparently, so were quite a few others!

It’s a dramedy- you know real life drama with the inevitable comedy mixed in if you are willing to see it.

Kay (Meryl Streep) and Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones) are a devoted couple, but decades of marriage have left Kay wanting to spice things up and reconnect with her husband. When she hears of a renowned couple’s specialist (Steve Carell, can you imagine?) in the small town of Great Hope Springs, she attempts to persuade her skeptical husband, a steadfast man of routine, to get on a plane for a week of marriage therapy. Just convincing the stubborn Arnold to go on the retreat is hard enough – the real challenge for both of them comes as they shed their bedroom hang-ups and try to re-ignite the spark that caused them to fall for each other in the first place.

Now a lot can be said about it, and believe you me, we did say a lot about it when we met for dinner/desert afterwards.  But primarily, we could all identify with the place Kay & Arnold found themselves after 31 years of marriage.  We could see things they were doing that led them there.   But more importantly, we could see how were were on our way there if we didn’t take some steps toward the marriage we longed for.  The conversation ended (I am a relationship coach you know!) with each of us identifying one thing we could do to help us grow together in our marriage instead of apart.  It was amazing at the very practical things we came up with. It isn’t rocket science to have a great marriage.  It’s simply one right choice after another.

So what’s the one right move you can make today that will move you closer to your spouse?  

Leave me a note to let me know what step you are taking.  One reason is that the act of writing it here will hold you accountable to your action.  But the second reason is that you never know who NEEDS you to share honestly how you are finding HOPE in your marriage, so they can find HOPE in theirs!

HOPE Springs!  May you find it flowing freely in your relationship too!

 

Communication, Intimacy, Love Language

You would think by now!!!

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Last week, I had one of those AHA moments.  Actually it was more like “DUH!” with a big smack on the forehead to go with it!  Ren & I have been married 33 years now.  We dated 5 years before that!  You would think by now,we would have figured out our relationship to the point that nothing ‘new’ would jump out at us.  But there it was, and I almost had to laugh!

I’m a life and relationship coach, right?  I ask a lot of questions by trade, but that’s been a part of who I am for most of my life. If you know me, you know that.  You can only imagine what it’s like to be married to me!  Ren is most often gracious when it comes to the barrage of questions that come flying at him at the end of a day.  He doesn’t always think to tell me things that I would be interested in knowing, so I’ve learned to ask.   And he’s learned to stop and think about the day so he can share it, rather than just blasting through it and on to the next.

The problem comes when my questions seem to hit a nerve.  I can’t help it if sometimes my questions are used by the Holy Spirit to prompt him to think about what God might be saying to him in the moment. (Yeah, I know, Ren didn’t fall for that either.)

Well, Ren’s really good at being a student of me.  He works hard to know who I am, what my love languages are and trying to think of me during the day.  He can tell when I answer the phone if I’m feeling strong or not.  No, he’s not perfect at it- but he does work hard.  He often asks me what I need from him!  I don’t always know, so I have to think about it.

The past couple of weeks have been very busy!  Ren’s been dealing with some changes at work and I’ve been focused on the LEISHA’S HOPE event.  So this past weekend, we were both feeling the need to reconnect with each other.  We both know that a good time of physical intimacy would take care of Rennie’s need, but…!  I was really struggling!

‘So what do you need from me? ”

“I…    I need…  I need you to…  I need you to ask me questions!”  That’s it!  That’s what you would think I would know by now!

I’m asking Rennie questions, because I love questions.   I’m loving Rennie like I need to be loved, but not in the way he needs to be loved.  I need Rennie to love me like I try to love him- by asking questions.  I need him to care about me enough to want to know not just what happened in my day, (which he often asks about) but, more importantly, how it affected me.   One of my love languages is quality time- but to be more specific, it’s quality conversations, which includes quality questions.  Of course, all that is assuming that quality listening is connected to that.

I often hear people say, “I never know what to ask!”  I understand. Some of us are just think that way.  But I didn’t start out being good at them.  I loved them, but I didn’t always know what to ask, and still don’t.  Often we just need a couple of things to get the conversation going, whether it is with our spouse, family member or even a complete stranger.  So I created a question prompter.  Click here for your own copy. I practice my questions ahead of time, so when the opportunity presents itself, I have some ready.  You can too!  Pick out a couple that you know will get things rolling.

So what was your favorite…?
(book, part of the movie, genre to listen to) That’s a great place to start.

Or

How did you feel about … ?
Ren doesn’t like that one too much, but I love it!  You know your spouse- you’ll figure it out soon enough.

My favorite is:
What are you hearing God saying to you today?

So it may not seem like a huge deal to you!   But would your spouse love for you to ask them questions?  It seems we get so caught up with ‘just the facts’, and we never take the time to seek to understand what those facts are doing to us or to them!

How often do we try to love someone, only to feel like that love is rejected or at least not appreciated.  When in reality, we are loving as we long to be loved.  If they did to us what we are doing to them, we would be thrilled.  But they are not!

We’ll talk more about LOVE LANGUAGES in the future (cause I’m reading the book right now).  But in the mean time, how about planning some time each day to sit with your spouse and ask a question.  See what happens!  You might be surprised!

Ren was!Wink

GET YOUR QUESTION PROMPTER HERE!

Intimacy, Relationship Issues

“Whatever you do in bed, we support it!”

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It started some interesting conversation at our house. No, it wasn’t the first time we had seen the Sealy© commercials (in case you haven’t seen them two of our favorites are AfterGlow Commercial  or Mattress Apartment commercial ) But this particular evening, we were both in rare form.

You see, Sealy’s tagline is ‘whatever you do in bed, we support it’!

I bet you can begin to imagine some of the places we went with that. But it got me thinking. The commercials make things look so … positive! But I know for a fact that it isn’t always.

For one thing, so often our bedrooms serve multi-purposes. They become part office with books and computer finding space to land, or laundry room where folding needs to be done, or the catch all room for those things that need to be put away but haven’t yet. Hmmm?

For another thing, just because two people marry doesn’t mean their bodies are on the same clock as far as when they need to go to bed, or how long they need to sleep. That often brings up issues having to do with ‘the bed.’

And that’s not even mentioning all the other things that can distract us –

  • One mate likes a little light on in the room- the other likes it dark
  • One prefers to fall asleep with the tv on- the other likes quiet– and dark
  • One has BRILLIANT ideas as she lays down in bed that she really must write down before she forgets
  • The other is asleep almost before he closes his eyes.
  • One wants to cuddle up as they fall asleep, the other just wants some space to spread out

All that brings up the issues that get discussed such as:

  • Tomorrow’s schedules
  • Today’s finances
  • The kids and their concerns
  • The in-laws and their concerns
  • The fact that he doesn’t take out the trash
  • The fact that she didn’t even act interested when he came home from working all day
  • The way that he tries to ‘get playful’ all of the sudden
  • The way she avoids his obvious intentions for sex

…You get what I mean!

What we do in bed isn’t always the romantic version Sealy supports. One quote I read the other day said, “For I’ve been born and I’ve been wed. All of man’s peril comes of bed.” Isn’t that the truth? We have a little spat that turns into a bigger deal at bed time. We have a bad day and take it out on the spouse and it is especially evident at bed time.

Sometimes it’s two people on opposite sides of the bed with their backs to each other and their hearts hardened to one another. They aren’t talking, but honey let me tell you- their silence is speaking volumes.

Sometimes it’s two people completely worn out and not connecting at all- all day- not to mention all night.

Sometimes it lasts for more than a night- or a week- or months.

Hmmm? So here’s my question?
Do you support everything that goes on in your bed?
…or even in your bedroom?

Think about that for a while!

  • If you answer yes- check with your spouse and see if they feel the same way.
    Are you willing to really listen to what they might have to share with you.
  • If you answer no- what are you willing to do about it?

Either way, check back here- cause I’m hear to tell you there is hope! But we’ll talk about that next time.

Always remember- Your great marriage starts with YOU!