Most couples, well actually, most people are ‘passive spectators’ of life. They may even be very busy people, urgently trying to get things done. They may plan for their careers, or the new house, or that great vacation. Yet they never even think of spending that kind of time and energy to plan their life. So naturally, they probably aren’t doing the planning work on their marriage either.
I know! I’ve been there! We’ve been there! Somehow we get so busy planning pieces of our life that we don’t take time to look at the whole of life. And where we want to be in the long haul.
But I have had the opportunity to stop and look at the big picture of my life during the past few weeks. I’m not ‘done’ with it- but already we are both seeing some significant outcomes in some major areas. The changes haven’t been easy, but I think Ren and I both would say, it is ‘transformational’!
For instance, one thought that has really challenged me came from Linda Dillow, in her book, What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?
In your mind’s eye, visualize yourself going to a funeral of a loved one. Picture yourself driving to the church, parking the car, and getting out. As you enter the sanctuary, you hear your favorite song being played, you see the faces of friends and family and feel the sorrow of loss and the joy of having known that is so evident on their faces. As you walk to the front of the church, you come face-to-face with—you! With disbelief, you realize that this is your funeral- 30 years from today. The people gathered together are here to express their love and appreciation for your life.
Numb with shock, you are led to a seat and handed a program. You open it up and see that there are to be 3 speakers.
Now think long and hard!
- Who would those 3 speakers be in your life?
- What would you like them to say about you?
- What character qualities would you like them to have seen in you?
- What kind of relationship would you want him/her to describe?
- what do you want your husband/wife to say about you after many years of marriage?
- What kind of love relationship would you want him to describe?
- What kind of love would you have wanted him to have received from you during all these years?
If you really take time to think about this, you will discover who and what is really important to you; and what your deepest values are. To begin with the end in view helps you align your values with your choices- and that begins transformation. You begin living in the context of what is most important to you!
So…what is it? What do you want to be about? What do you want to be true of you?
You got a plan?
(We’ll talk more about that in the next post! I’m sure you’ve had so much fun doing this exercise, you’ll want to know more! Ok! So I know it’s work! But you are worth it! And so is your marriage! See you soon!)