This is the day – you know –

the one you CELEBRATE  because it acknowledged a great accomplishment by people you care about.

But also the day you DREAD because it reminded you that something is not right about this day.

I’ve worked hard to ‘prepare’ myself for this day

I didn’t know how having it all happen just before Mother’s Day might affect me!

I’ve cried- or needed to cry- often

I couldn’t figure out why-

Why do I feel so very sad

Why do I feel so full of grief

Why can’t I stop thinking about her

Why…does…it…hurt…so…bad…???

This is the day when

her close friends are graduating,

I’ve known that Jameson & Kelsey & Abby were all graduating this May. I’ve been excited for them and watched closely as they posted pictures and updates of all that is happening and all the plans to come.

This is the day when her sisters, Caitlin & Brielle,

are getting engaged,

and hunting for the right dresses

And choosing bridesmaids,  and colors, and flowers

and planning showers, and weddings and receptions

But this also the day I remember- that she isn’t here!

The day I ponder in so many ways what could have been, if only…!

This could have been her year to graduate from some college

To have a boyfriend

Maybe even to be getting married too.

I can see it happen.

I celebrate these dear people and the steps they are taking

But I dread the emotion because it reminds me that it will never, ever be ‘right’.

No matter how hard I/we all try.

She will always be gone- the bold, boisterous, life of the party, troublemaker that she was

We will always miss her presence with us

I always miss her

Cele-dread!

But today Tim read 1 Cor 13- 3 times he read it during Shalom

Each time the words I heard were

‘if we do not love, we are nothing.’

I loved!

I still love!

Just because she is in heaven doesn’t mean I have quit loving her!

It’s because I love that this day hurts so very deep.

It’s my love that causes my heart to break

On this day

On all of these days of celebration.

As I look as these precious people- men and women that she loved too!

Some that she never got to meet

I rejoice for what God is doing in them- through them- around them

I celebrate the love I feel for them- and they for me

I cherish it!

I could NOT not love them.

That would be far worse to me

To have never have loved at all

It might mean that it would not hurt so much now

But what would make life worth living without that love.

I could fear losing and therefore not love so that I would not get hurt

But truly to ‘not have love, means I have nothing’

I have a heart that is full- of emotion, of sadness yes, but also of joy, and gratitude,

For the life I knew

For the sense that I am loved

And that I love still!

That’s something!

I celebrate!